Fix This Game

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Rules

• by playing this game you have lost the game.

• when you lose the game, you must stop playing immediately. Failure to do so will lose you one point per minute of continued play. This should be recorded and timestamped on a sheet of graphing paper in India Standard Time (IST); failure to do so accurately (in any metric) will lose you one further point per minute, which should be recorded identically.

• No additional paper past the original sheet is permitted.

• writing on walls, books, pavement, animals, and household appliances is acceptable.

• recording points with a feather quill or by shouting any written content at the top of your lungs gains you one point per point recorded. If shouting, doing so any quieter than you are capable deducts 4 points. Those unable or unwilling to shout, can alternatively obtain the point by gaining the attention of a nearby animal, or sufficiently personified inanimate object and aggressively signing the contents at them/it in ASL, or their preferred sign langauage of choice. Similarly, failure to do so with lesser aggression than you are capable deducts 4 points.

• Use of a base 10 number system in the recording of points and timestamps is for losers. If attempted, all entries featuring its usage should be accompanied with the sentence “Numbers arent real.” Any attempt to re-add the apostrophe in “arent” should be penalized one point.

• if a recorded point loss is equally offset by the gain in the recording of the loss or from a subsequent entry (no more than two instances of point gain/loss count towards this goal), strike through any relevant records and fold the paper into a paper airplane. If no paper exists, create a new paper airplane. You may not write on any paper airplanes created in this way. If this is done before noon India Standard Time (IST), the airplane must be flown into a fire and burned. If this is done after noon India Standard Time (IST), the plane should be thrown at the nearest morally salient entity. A hit should be recorded as 4 points, a miss should be recorded as -16. Unfolding the paper airplane is not permitted under any circumstances.

• no x86_64 or arm based computing may be utilized in the playing of this game. Players playing alone are not permitted to read the rest of this rule, and should immediately skip to the next rule. Should there be multiple players, any player to use an x86_64 or arm based computer, or suggest doing so, should be thoroughly mocked throughout the duration of playtime. One point should be awarded per novel insult, however repeating an insult will have the mocking shifted to the repeater and away from the original target. Self deprecation on the part of the target should be awarded two points. Repeat offenses of this rule will shift the target of mockery to the most recent dissenter/ insult repeater. If you are reading these rules to convey them to your friends, this rule should be left unspoken until its effects are triggered. Remembering this rule as a player who is not reading these rules is not allowed and costs you five points. Any players playing alone reading this sentence have broken the rule above rule telling them to not read further, and should be penalized one point.

• Each time you speak, write or sign “I don’t care about points,” award yourself one point.

• Immediately upon the realization of general boredom and/or malaise while playing the game, players must locate a talisman. Talismans, in order of reducing strength, are as follows: cactus, tree, bush, rock, seed. Derivative objects count but have reduced strength. Award your talisman a point value drawing from its strength. Eating it will award you full points, and not doing so will award you two points. If playing with friends, you may choose to eat any uneaten talismans.

• speaking of or sharing this game in any way is not allowed. I, the creator, will refuse to acknowledge its existence.

• upon winning the game, the winner may choose to add one house rule to these rules. Rules cannot overrule previous rules, all previous house rules apply in perpetuity.

Why

I was bored. If you read this, play the game alone or with friends and email me how it went at kai@fireye.coffee. Tell me what you did, what rules you followed, and which ones you didn’t. This is what the game interrogates, and it truly fascinates me. I will of course be replying “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”